Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
