Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
