shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
