i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
