don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
