do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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