im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
