I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize