Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
