I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
