Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
