I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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