I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize