so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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