Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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