In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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