I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
