mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I believe in your delicious
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
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