I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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