what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
