You just made me feel so damn special
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
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