I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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