she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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