I swear she didn't look like that last week.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
