So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
