It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
