I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
