seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize