yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
