I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
