I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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