Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
