you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
