genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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