does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
