Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize