Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I don't want my vagina anymore.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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