wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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