If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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