It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
