I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
