ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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