took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
