she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
