Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
