Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
