Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
