I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Randomize
