Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
