When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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