So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize