My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
