You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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