i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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