ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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