I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
