You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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