This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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