I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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