Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
